i had a bad dream:.

I know what you guys are thinking...
aww poor baby...

or... loser grow up...

but let me explain...
if you do not know me there is one thing that is constant that will never change...
the emphasis i put on my dreams...

my dreams really affect me...
sometimes i have very nice dreams...
these i truly treasure...
and i have wonderful weeks following good dreams...

but the times i have bad dremas...
sometimes really scary dreams...
i get shaken for a bit...

to me dreams mean something...
it is not just one part of ur brain making stuff up for fun...

it's one part of your brain telling you something that you don't realize while ur concious...

and today i woke up with a horrid dream
and i felt sick...

i still feel a little bit of the dread that i had earlier when i woke up
and as a consequence i could hardly concentrate when i was taking my brother to school...
i almost got into an accident a few times... and that was just a drive from home to school...

during the drive i lifted a little prayer to the Lord...
i asked him to help me figure this out
and to help me through anything that would follow...

i could try to figure out the dream but its hard because most of the time
the dream disappears from you when u wake up in the morning...

it usually has to diffuse from ur unconcious state into ur concious state for u to remember ur dream... and even then u still won't remember the whole dream...

it's like a blackout where you can only recollect certain parts of an event...

i do remember a few things and i've drawn on a few insights in my life in which i think the dreams might want me to pay attention to...

In high school i was part of a dance team (hip hop, coed, military, all male) and during my last year i was a captain of the team.
things were going great until the coach and i had a falling out and it was a mutual understandment that we would act like it wasn't so...

there would be the warm hellos... but these showed a lack of sincere ness i believe...
it was always a front...
and i kept up my front as well pretended to be welcome to these hollow helloes...

but within me as i repressed the real situation things would steadily get worse
to the point that at the end of the year i was gracious to get out of the team and leave it all behind me... drama and all...

this is where my dream starts (at least the part i remember about it)
In my dream i am walking through somewhere... perhaps a school...
and i see my old coach... shes jolly as usual (a facade)
and somehow we have a confrontation...

all the pent up anger and frustration i had inside was just let loose i was finally able to call her on her fakeness...
and it was an all out war from then...

bitter comments where thrown back and forth
as she would berate me about my inadequate qualities as a captain
and i would attack her on her lack of responsibility for her team and her favoritism...

in the end... i know that i had won...
i was a good captain... things that turned out the way they turned out resulted from my position being repressed...
and i blamed it on her

it was a dagger to her heart...

the whole thing is hazy and i can hardly remember it but i know we had an arguement... about how crappy she made me feel during my year and how i repressed it...

afterwards something happened...
she turned and ran away...

i woke up (not conscious yet... half asleep actually)

at this point my brother came in and asked me if i could give him a ride to school and i regained full conciousness.. and the dream faded away from my memory...

i felt bitter...but i couldnt remember why...
my brother and my friend dominique jogged my memory when they were talking about drill team...

 

i truly wish i could really explain the dream as vividly as i could have dreamt it...
then it would be easy to understand why i was so startled...
it was a real bad dream...
the ones that young kids would have and they would cry for their moms...

i'm hardly young...(and my mom's in the carribean)
but that explains how intense my dream was...

the worse part of the dream was when i told the truth it hurt the coach's feelings to such an extent that it drove her away...
and i just needed to tell the truth on my part...
it was guilt from the situation that got to me i think...

i was just telling my side... don't i have a right to that...
apparently not...
apparently everyone would make sure that i keep it repressed...

 

 
its about the urge to do something
but the fear of the consequences...
but sometimes change is needed...
 
but is it worth the cost...
 
 
and in my life.. there is something...
that needs to be done... but the consequences heavy...

 

Please pray for me on this date...