i am ghetto fab

its one hour longer that i have to wait b4 the next episode of the anime i'm watching is ready,

and it seems like it's going to be a long hour, i wish that there was someone online to talk with to help this time pass, but as it sems, the need for a person to share thoughts with comes at a time my mind is really hazy. it seems there is a lot on my mind currently, and it just makes things worse w/o a companion on this lonely night, but i have my blog, and i'll make do.

one hour of thinking, one hour of pining, one hour of hoping, one hour of reestablishing reality, only to deteriorate into hoping yet again. i've run the scenario in my mind over and over and over, about my fears, specifically about growing and changing... i fear that i am still childlike and worse, ignorant, yet maybe i have to come to terms and accept myself that way if it comes down to it.

maybe, thats where true maturity lies after all, when u face ur fears, of nto being good enough, fears of rejection, and fears of lonliness, when you face all these fears and you are able to stand straight and tall and continue walking towards ur destiny, instead of cowering in the fears...

not moving at all would be most painful...



i wonder if those people who believe in me exist, or if i just manufactured such an idea in my head...
it does seem like advice i would give another person "you controll your own fate, yada yada yada"

it's so easy to believe in someone else, because you do not have the responsibliity for carrying out the success or failure of the trial, ur placed in a position where u cheer for them and hope for them to succeed, when in fact u are putting urself in a position where u do not have to put actual effor in a scenario...

believing in yourself, you realize, u make it fail, or succeed... and suddenly all the confidence you used to have is taken away by fears and worries... its because, u are the one who will face the consequences, whether they are good or bad... believing in other people, the consequences rarely affect you... to the point where u can be nonchalant about the outcome...