alrite...for a change of pace
before God's graces run out on me,
let me list the stuff i am thankfull for in life...

~I am thankful i am still alive
~I am thankful that i didn't get in an accident on the freeway today (due to my reckless driving)
~I am thankful that i didn't cause an accident on the freeway today (again to da same cause)
~I am thankful for my mother...that i have one...thats one more than most people have
~Thankful for my friends, even though it is hard for me to show it
~Thankful that i don't have to take the bus to school
~Thankful that i have friends in the first place

despite all these crappy faults in my life...
i can't focus on the bad all the time...
even as overwhelming as it feels...

i do have some good stuff in life...
*sigh*

but why am i not happy...
i think out of the good things in my life...
i am the one who doesn't deserve any of it...

i am the bad one...
i am the fucked up one...

i just am not happy...
i feel helpless and alone...
yet this is not a feeling that is new to me...

why?
that is a question that i pose to myself...

why do i act in a certain way sometimes...
why does stuff happen to me that i can't control
why can't i accept my life and be happy

what makes my life unhappy...
why do i hate others...
when perhaps i onlee have to look within to discover that
i am the one that i hate most of all...

why am i like this...
it hurts...
and i dont want it nemore...

i am alone...
i am in pain...

i want it to end

my life is out of control yet again...
a few times i feel like i have power over my life
but they are fleeting...
perhaps they are juss a mirage...

perhaps i am never really happy...
just pretending i am...
or just being fooled to believe i am...

nothing will satisfy me...
i understand now..

i will NEVER be happy...
nor was i ever happy in the first place to begin with...

to be miserable...and alone..
that is who i am...

maybe then...
who knows what may come...

for a dreamer whose dreams are always out of reach..
eternal darkness...