how come when you really want something:.

Umm lets start off this post with a

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

BEV SUSON!

well before any assumptions to be made...
there is no corrolation between the heading of this post and that last announcement...
i just felt like starting this post on a good note:.

anywho good for bev, she rocks
lets get together and buy her socks

(more corny poetry about bev's bday in a future post... maybe)

at any rate i am sitting in the nursing lab as usual, what else is new you know?
web surfing here an there...
freeloading on the headphones in the lab that let you listen to music as loud as u want
without bothering the other patrons

but anywho...
i keep browsing friendster and it seems i have maxed out my friends once again haha
and that made me sad...

of course i can go out and add a couple of people that i am acquainted with... BUT
i'd rather not...

i'm too shy at any rate hahah...
and then i sit here thinking...
dammit... why don't they add me,
then i sigh...
then i realize how much of a loser i am

then i laugh at myself
and things are all better...

well not quite:.

well today what else is there to talk about..

sometimes when you really want something, you never get it
until you suddenly stop wanting it...
isn't that strange how that works out?
seriously though,
you can't fake it either
you must honestly not want something anymore before it suddenly drops down into your lap...
its useless to pretend you dont want something anymore,
it just doesnt work that way...

sigh
not wanting stuff is hard hahahha

it is generally hard to let go!!
so neway that is very much bible corrolated
let go
and let God it seems...
arrggh at any rate it is still frustrating nevertheless...
now at this point a fewofyou may be wondering what it is i want these days...
well i really cant say for certain i know what i want,
just scatterred instances when i dream of things...
maybe dream of events
maybe dream of the future...

sigh i am the dreamer...
always in a state of perpetualy wishful and hopelessness
maybe im just too impatient...
maybe
then again the opposing side to this argument...
is that when we are finally given what we want we
take it for granted
and grow disinterested...
what is it with human nature?
that leaves us dissatisfied often...
how hard is it to learn to be happy?!
very hard...
we live in a materialistic world...
a world where we need conditions to be happy...
if we believe otherwise
like if we can be happy with no bf/gf no money no car
then the world would be a better place...

sigh, this should be my lenten promise ARGGH

Let's talk about Lent:.

after the first week
things have been getting off to a nice start...

i have kept up my side promises:.
praying the rosary is not as long as it used to be back in the day
i feel good after praying it and the day seems not so bad despite everything
the other day while waiting for bev at ther school i had time to finally go into the chapel and i prayed the rosary there...
everything seems to come together when i pray the rosary, in actuallity everything seems to come together when i pray in general
oh my the power of prayer...
at any rate
i almost failed on saturday
when i made a last ditch effort to pray the rosary after hoj
*it was around 1130 when i started..
so thats going well so far:.
maybe by the time lent is over i'll have the rosary memorized by heart,
and then i'll move onto other prayers haha...

so at any rate

(why pray the rosary? we don't pray to mary, we pray to mary to pray to God for us. it is like petition prayer no? well that is my easy answer and my belief. intercession is what they call it i think. We do this on a regular basis if we think about it. we ask people to pray for us, when we ourselves pray for other people. we are asking people to help us with prayer and to help us reach God... so woot for prayer)

(what is woot anyway?! well woot ... haha lets get into this some other day)

SOO at any rate:.
my curfews have been holding fairly well
my cut off times for fone and sleep have been fulfilled easily

and i had a little setback with my 1 o clock curfew on friday night
after we watched the passion, where i took my friends to eat with hoj in burbank...
i came home around 2 and i slept in the car till 4 again...
not very good...
but im doing okay with that...
after hoj i was able to come home at 1
i think it was God's graces that brought me home on time...
otherwise i could have been home at 3 or later again...
Praise God...
he'll help me with this lent promise,
so i'll stick to it...and perhaps adjust it as necessary later...

So neway all those are all and good
but how about the major lent stuff

talk fasting
and flirt fasting
these are not as easily carried out as you may agree...
and they haven't been fasted perfectly as of last week

i need to set up more boundaries and make the gray lines thinner for what i am allowed to do and what am i allowed to do.

i should also define why i am doing this for lent
that way i know what is okay and what is not okay...
with my flirting fast i decided that the division between flirting and friendliness is divided by the need of response from situations...
i thought that if i said or did something to derive some sort of response from a girl, then it is flirting...
but i realized that even that is faulty
i need to be more strict on myself on this
and realize that on a different perspective
i have flirted last week...
and i want to be really strict and not do anything that ANYONE will consider flirting...
i'll pray so that i understand what that means for me...

the talking fast...
i should be strict as well as i give myself too much leeway on that...
i'm even unsure why i am giving up talking...
it makes people really uncomfortable...
i had the idea that
i would give up talking because i talk to much sometimes
TO THE EXTENT THAT I TALK WITHOUT THINKING

that is really why i am undertaking that fast...
so in a way talking is okay...
but i need to watch out...
and carry out this fast with that ideal in mind...
don't be so brash with my words...
stay quiet...think about what i am to say...
then say it...
i think that should be the parameters of that fast...

..i need extensive help this lent season, and i need to pray for help and wisdom, and understanding so i can fulfill my promises to the Lord