im really stressed, and bitter...
but i use that word very loosely... where i'm not exactly bitter... but the similar feeling of it looms in my life in and out. sigh currently on my mind i can't shake off the feeling that i'm not good enough at anything... and that i'm not worth anything. And i remember this feeling so vividly because i realize i go into and out of this feeling regularly... and i guess this is a DOWN season. but yea... ever since last saturday i have been feeling insecure and just... not appreciated. even not loved. im fading away into the background and i dont know who will save me from obscurity. every second i am in this mood hairline cracks appear on the surface of my heart... and soon enough i will be left heartbroken by fissures that make their home on my soul.

im really torn because i have met a lot of incredible new people as of late, and have been maintaining a lot of good friendships with old friends from carson as well. but why does it hurt in their presence sometimes... when i think that i dont deserve to be here... and that i am overstaying my welcome and their kindness. Does the world really want someone like me. i'm pretty sure at this point that jon would not be missed on any level. because there's those people who are much greater people than i am...

shit... pity party... this is something i'm GREAT at... but not really... i just know that sometimes when i keep things to myself for a long time... it messes with my head... and somehow i need to get those ideas out... and perhaps they will finally disappear in my life...

and i know that sometimes when i fall... it only makes sense to view the fall as a lesson and then use that lesson in my life for the better ment of myself...

but sometimes as well im stubborn and life lessons are hard to learn... unless you fall repeatedly... but this time i want to learn... and i want to Pray... and let God lead me wherever he may want me to go... a little less of myself... and a little more of God in my life...