quality time spent with good friends, with God, with good friends with God

its been an interesting couple of days to say the least...
a lot of quality time talking with friends...
a lot of quality time spent at adoration
then the time spent w/ friends at adoration...

and yet sometimes i feel... my heart i still not in a sence of balance..
how would this be possible... i have God... and supportive friends...

usually a good visit to adoration clears up my head...
but now im sitting here... thoughts have ended up cluttering my mind again...
what was different... its as if i went to adoration...
and was unable to truly discern the calming voice of God... because i was too very focused on what i THINK God would tell me...

have i actually gone and done something wrong, in which i focused to much on what i think he would say instead of paying attention to what he really wants for me?

and my friends too... is it the same? do i just miss out on their advice entirely? in pursuit of my own idea of whats best for me?

the reasons behind both situations may be assumed to be spurned by selfish goals ive set... but in contrary.. its due to perhaps something else...

fear...

i fear what they tell me and what God may want for me... because... it seems that im not deserving of such they perscribe for me... so i mentally sabotage myself and cause myself to be in this state of discontent...

and it is then fear my enemy most of all...
because if i am not doing the will of the Lord... then i am not living well...
and that is the worst situation to be in and the way to experience the worst type of pain...