whenever lost

God always shows me the way
it hasnt failed me yet
but i still end up lost and doubting sooner or later

its almost incredible how i always find myself in similar situations...
coming to mass distraught... unable to concentrate...

then almost instantaneously... w/o any expectation the Lord sends someone to my side and all my questions and fears are taken care of...

its funny and frequent enough to the point where i am wondering why i EVEN doubt in the first place, but i guess the conclusion that i came with... is that there is a reason for doubt at this point in my life...

i guess its like that story of the woman with 10 silver coins
if she loses one she lights up a lamp and sweeps the grounds until she find her coin
and when she finally finds it she calls whoever is near to her and says
"Rejoice with me, i've found my lost coin!"

woah... where is that from Jon... that sounds profound! actually its a line in the skit/production matthew and the rest of the youth are putting on for our christmas party

you should go~ *shameless plug*

so yah thats what my thoughts are... is that as much as it sucks that i still have my doubts frequently when the Lord always comes to my aid, always with perfect timing...

i guess it is a gift in some way. because with every one of these doubts i can see God working in my life clearly once he shows me the way once again. so whenever i doubt i am able to see God in my life... so i am grateful even currently for these trials... and am no longer self concious about having doubts...

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i'm listening to this playlist my brother made by putting together songs from the musical rent together

and theres this one song that ive never heard before...
it was called "goodbye love"

it was an exchange between mark roger and mimi...
and if you havent seen the movie yet i wont spoil the story for you
but it puts an entirely different spin on the movie for me
and gives me a new insight about the relationships each of them shared
how come i never noticed this song before?
maybe they took it out of the movie version?

anywho... i was listening to it and afterwards i was thinking...
sometimes we run away from the ones we love... because we fear losing them...
isn't this true a lot of times...
sometimes we push people away not because we dont love them anymore
but because we're so scared of losing them...

we try to make up for the pain we expect when they're out of our lives
but taking them out of our lives sooner?
because at the time when we suffer with the pain that the future will bring
we are not thinking straight after all...

i guess maybe the relief in the situation is that
with those loved ones who will be taken from them
if they themselves make that choice to take them out of their own lives
rather than losing them to fate lets say...
the burden may be alleviated

but this is not true...
if u love someone... that is not rational thinking
because the time spent away from them is both excruciating for both parties
and all of that is exchanged for the time you can spend together
which may be short lived after all...
but at least the time will be well spent...