nsync - selfish

haha..

i remember thats the song cj tried out with in getting into the music ministry at hoj...

it wasnt an official try out... he just sang to bev and bev made him join after that...

good times long ago... im old geez...



so neways... ive been a lot of selfish lately...
the spiritual warfare is subsiding for now... and i can amlost see clearly and efficiently about the direction my life has taken these last past couple of weeks...

the luster is pretty much returned to my life...
and it took reading a blog entry of a fellow i barely even know (scratch that... i dont know... and its rare to have people on my myspace that i have never met)

sanger cosico is leaving his life behind and dedicating his life to God...
thats some heavy stuff...

he wrote about dying to this world... and denying himself...
and at once i remembered the sentiments that i shared with him like that
not so long ago...

but the last couple of weeks were just
I and i and i...
what about me... what about my needs...

it was a struggle... but prayers pulled me through
mines and yours... especially yours




i had to lead praise last night at hoj...
and the same feelings came over me whenever i would come up and share my faith with the people...

nervousness...
fear...

and etc...

but most of all its a feeling of unworthiness...

as carlos and i was preparing in prayer prior to the prayer meeting
we would look into scripture and find some inspiration from the Lord...

and in the bible i had two affirmations
and one of the messages that i read was in matthew

in which it spoke on a dependance on God

and then it started to click...
and dawn on me and i started to remember...

i will always need to depend on God for the rest of my life...
after all between the two of us... hes the only one capable of making the perfect decisions...

it took some time to realize... that despite all my insecurities
my needs... my wants... taht they are all

irrelevant...

and... yes again...
it's all about God...

in my NIV bible (this is the one i used from when i was younger... and the one that was currently closest to me...)

Do not worry:
Therefore i tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do no sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much mroe valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labour or spin. Yet i tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendour was dressed like one of thse. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fir, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink' or 'What shall we wear?' for the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
~Dependance on God