i am -- troubled... so weak am i -- without God's presence in my life i crumble; so deeply am i dependant on him, that i lose my strength when i do not have communion with him daily... i was never this dependant before... but then again my life wasn't ever as blessed as before -- i thiank God for my weakness in the respect that he has allowed me to rely on him more... but i curse myself for wordly desires -- that drive me from relying on him...

Dear Lord -- i can't live without you in my life... but i am quick to abandon you -- dear Father -- thanks for the gift of free will, but it makes it hard sometimes -- to fall in love with you, oh Lord... may i ask that your will be done alone an dnot mines... i want to surrender it all to you oh Lord -- my way only brings lonelyness and emptiness -- nothing i find in this world can fill me the way you do -- because you oh Lord made me... thus you're the only one who knows how to fulfill me --

its hard -- but you never said it was going to be easy... Lord give me hope again -- and let's go back to the beginning and take this one day at a time -- and this time... may i not stray from you -- help me Lord, help me help myself -- open my ears -- open my heart -- let me see your voice -- let me hear your words -- let me be pure again -- like a newborn child -- helpless and surrendering

although i do not know how -- i lift myself up to you in faith... wash away all my guilt, pain, and tears -- and give me a new heart

Ask him...
...to help you to believe that you were CHOSEN, hand-picked by God, to do His will; that with Him you can accomplish miraculous things.
Jeremiah 29:11 Ephesians 1:18-19

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its been two weeks since the believe retreat -- and i've done my best to hold on to this fire that has burning in me since then -- but fire cannot burn without fuel -- these past couple of days i've taken a beating spiritually, physically, and by defualt emotionally, this is what my life is reduced to -- not being able to go to confession, even for minute things -- thus not being able to recieve eucharist daily -- that is the fuel that i need... not just to be holy -- but even now... just to survive -- i am grateful for this dependence on the Lord.

He has helped me see how much i need Him... and in turn i want to make the most effort i can to make Him a priority in my life -- like i mentioned... without Him... what much of a life can i have... everything seems grayer... my prayer life deteriorates -- my relationships drown in insecurities -- new things seem hard to learn and frustration is abundant -- fear thus saturates my life when instead, while in a state of grace... i did not fear anything.. why would i -- i was just follwoing were God wanted me to go... and i trusted Him... but without Him... i dont know what im doing... or where im going... and i'm just lost and confused once again...

i try to fill up the emptiness with everything worldly... music... video games... even... the girl i like -- but it's not the same... i believe the only reason i enjoyed the these things in the first place -- is because the Lord guided me through them... and i was happy -- dear Lord... in my honesty... forgive me... and heal me... and make me strong again... so i can protect... and care for my loved ones once again... let me not spiral in despair... for i want to be someone one can count on -- who one can go to to save souls... Dear Lord... it's only attainable through you -- my Lord and my Savior, Lover and Redeemer, Healer and sanctifier... through the same Christ our Lord -- Amen